Just in case you missed it: I'm pregnant.

I've shared my story of my six miscarriages in another post, so to say "I'm pregnant" is nothing new to me, but saying it to the world is.

I'm ten weeks and change at this point.

Which is huge considering the longest I was ever able to make it over the last year or so was six weeks.

I would love to say that "we're elated, we're so excited, we are unbelievably happy" etc., but the truth is, we are scared shitless.

Our constant thought is "it's not real." The idea that I have a tiny human in me that's growing happily and healthily is so surreal to my husband and me that it doesn't seem like it's true. I've had two ultrasounds and heard the heartbeat. It's definitely there.

I'm heavily monitored by what seems like too many doctors and everything is progressing perfectly for a due date of July 5th. But it still doesn't seem like a fact.

My husband still says, "I'm not getting my hopes up," even though I'm soon to be leaving my first trimester. This is how deeply we've been hurt this past year. This is how traumatic all those losses have been. Our faith in ever having a second has been completely shattered.

But, it is happening.

We do have moments of happiness. Real, true, unaffected joy about the babe. Our daughter loves to say goodnight to the baby and every day she kisses my tummy before she heads inside her school. Those small actions always make us smile with love. One of the first things she said when we told her was that she was going to write a note that I had to swallow, whole, mind-you, so it got to my stomach in one piece, that said, "Don't eat our mommy's treats!" and we all laughed together in pure glee that this was happening. Backstory: she loves hearing about when she was in my tummy, like most kids, and I told her that the reason she loves chocolate so much now is because she always used to steal all my chocolate that I ate while I was pregnant, so she wanted to ensure that this one left my chocolate alone. But our joyous moments only seem to stem from our daughter's excitement over the babe, and goodness, is she ever excited, but when it's just my husband and I, our worries and fears come flooding back.

I'm not certain that pain will ever go away but as the days go on, fear is lessoning its grip and we're able to talk about the future with a little less apprehension.

But it's still scary.

It also doesn't help that I don't even feel pregnant most days. I'm pretty much symptom-free. And it's unsettling when I'm holding on to every sign that my pregnancy is progressing and yet I feel normal.

I know, shoot your arrows at me, but surely I've gone through enough.

I've only had really bad nausea on half a dozen days, I can function with minimal caffeine and normal amounts of sleep (insomnia actually ruled my life the first few weeks, but thankfully that's balanced out), and I haven't had a headache in weeks at this point.

The only thing that gets me is the lack of appetite and food aversions.

That's where smoothies come in.

How I've actually survived the last few weeks nutritionally is beyond me. Anything sweet, like bananas or strawberries, made me gag, all things veggie were unappealing, and chips sounded like heaven-on-earth. Ya. The only cravings I've had are for salty, crunchy things. Hello, classic Lays. Or poutine. How terrible, I know, but that's how this little one rolls, apparently. But I'm doing better with produce now and I'm really doing everything I can to stay on track. Enter smoothies. For whatever reason, I can get those down without a problem. I pack them full of anything I can find in the fridge/freezer: beans, nuts, seeds, fruits, and every type of veggie. Maybe it's that I don't have to chew them? I don't know but whatever it is, they are my life's blood right now.

Or "were," until this morning.I was making myself a chocolate smoothie (the recipe for which can be found here) and my blender didn't have my back this morning. Instead of making me a delicious breakfast, it instantly started making a grinding sound, then acrid black smoke started pouring out the back of it. I pulled the plug out of the wall immediately. I stared at it blankly and it just sat there spewing more and more smoke. All I felt was incredulous heart break. I would love to say that this is the first time I've done this, but it's the third time I've killed a blender in such a fashion. I've also killed two hand mixers. My mom actually went so far as to call my school to tell them to not let me use the hand mixer in home-ec and that someone else should always take over that duty for me. I get it, I'm hard on small appliances, but jeez, moma, as if junior high wasn't rough enough without the home-ec teacher announcing that she had gotten your message in front of the whole class.

Ahem, back to today and the current problem at hand (old wounds can be licked another day), I then I had the brilliant idea to use my immersion blender to finish it AND THE BLADE BROKE APART IN MY SMOOTHIE.

It was beans and banana! Nothing hard going on in there. A smoothie today was too much to ask for. And so my death toll rises.But now I may starve to death. Question for all of you blender aficionados: What should I get next? I would really, really, really love a Vitamix, but why are there so many options?! How do I choose? Please spam me with your favourite blenders, I'd love any feedback.

FYI, after my smoothie debacle this morning I pretty much gave up on today and stayed in my jammies (still in my jammies and it's 3 in the afternoon), but I'm heading out first thing tomorrow on the hunt for a blender! So let me know your opinions asap!

Here are two recipes for some of my favourite smoothies that I drink daily (but apparently not today):

Green Happiness Serves 1

1/2 cup plain Greek yogurt
1 cup pineapple (I love frozen for this)
Juice of half a lime1 tsp (or more to taste) good quality
Matcha powder
Water, to blend

Blend it all and drink it immediately. This will frequently be my second breakfast an hour after my morning fruit that I use to break my fast and before I eat my third breakfast an hour or two later. I love breakfast(s) more than any meal of the day. Lunch is the devil.

I like this brand from Costco. It's also a heck of a lot cheaper than most places.

Punch-You-In-The-Face-With-Vitamins Serves 1

1/2 cup raw, peeled beets (1 small one, see below for size)
1/2 cup frozen strawberries1/2 cup frozen pineapple
1.5 cups leafy greens like spinach or kale
Water, to blend

Blend it all and drink immediately. When strawberries are in season, fresh are fantastic to use.

I realize these suck as recipes on a food blog, but you know what else sucks? Writing a food blog when I have terrible food aversions. There are minimal foods that actually taste good to me right now. My daily meals consist of the aforementioned smoothies, scrambled eggs and *shudder* ketchup (my husband can attest, I hate the stuff but I've been eating it with eggs of all things), peanut butter and banana sandwiches, almonds, and crackers.

I've devolved into a picky toddler.

But I'm hoping I'll be snapping out of this soon. Surely, one day I'll want loaded-miso soup or chickpea pot pie. Both of those things sound so good to me in theory but I don't want to eat either at the moment. One day. And then I'll share them with you, dear reader.

Until then, I'm just focusing on connecting with this sweet little babe inside of me. It's safe, I know it in my heart, I just need to convince my brain to relax and enjoy every moment of this pregnancy that we've wanted for so long.

Smoothies Are My Life And My Blender Just Died: A Tale of Woe and Two Recipes.